Kai,
I am in the middle of your book…juggling many things including other books…but I have been meaning to ask for a long time this question (especially since you mentioned you’re an introvert). I dislike going out to parties, clubs, lounges, etc., especially alone…everyone keeps talking about being asked out but I don’t even get that mainly because I don’t put myself in social settings for such. Online dating has been my go to and has worked out to an extent (including meeting my ex husband and having a child from that relationship)…so what are some things I can explore? I have started to do things like go to the museum when they have open mic night but I don’t think it is good enough. I try to go to social settings that I am comfortable in like comedy clubs, etc., but single black men are hard to find there….looking forward to your insight…
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I am going to point out something that many women miss but here goes: you just need to be where men are to meet men. That’s not limited to parties and clubs, you can meet men at the bank, the grocery store, the mall, basically ANYWHERE men are. Social gatherings do make meeting men a bit easier because men believe women in those settings are more open to being approached, however, men are accessible, single, and available ALL OVER.
I remember when I lived in Atlanta for some reason there were always men at my local grocery store who were flirting with me. Knowing you can meet men anywhere now doesn’t mean you have to go out hunting for guys but knowing that men are pretty much accessible anywhere will bring a new awareness to you while you are out. Start to pay more attention to your surroundings. You will probably see all the men you were missing all of these years simply because you were focused in your own world.
Now, I know your next question is, “How do you get a guy to ask you out?” Well, that requires you to pay more attention to what’s going on around you. If you see an attractive guy and he makes eye contact, perhaps even speaks to you, you will have to be receptive to his advances if he does flirt with you. Being receptive means you have to let a man know you are open to him. Sometimes that may even require you to speak first. (Check out this blog “Ladies, Should “You” Make The First Move?”). I suggest you use the basic flirting skills that I describe in my book. You HAVE to practice flirting techniques to find what works for you. The more you practice the better you get at it. And I know, being an introvert makes interacting with others difficult. However, speaking as an introvert, the more you practice talking/flirting with guys, the easier it gets mostly because you become able to predict the response you will receive. That makes us introverts more comfortable if we know what to expect.
No matter what, to meet guys you will have to step a bit out of your comfort zone and make yourself receptive to their advances. I find most women who talk about having a hard time meeting men are also women who never ever put themselves in situations where they can actually meet and talk to men. I think this is what makes online dating preferable for many women; it’s much more comfortable to “meet” men behind a screen. However, as I have pointed out many times, online dating is much less effective for women. It makes dating too easy for men and so while men’s online dating experiences are much better many women find it frustrating.
So, here’s what you have to do. Pay more attention to the world around you while you are out and then make sure you allow yourself to be open to men talking to you. There are men there I promise. I also promise you that men will take a chance if they think you won’t reject them.
And practice, practice, practice, your flirting techniques. Find what works for you. Yes, you may initially feel embarrassed but don’t worry, you will find your niche eventually!
Have fun and good luck!
~Kai
Follow me: @KaiNicole on Twitter, @KaiFlyMommy on Instagram. And, buy the best dating book for women, Date Like A Woman!
