Divorce (or breaking up from a long-term relationship), is one of the most painful experiences one can go through. Some say it feels a lot like someone dying. It is deeply painful. It also requires time to heal from. Parties going through divorce are often not prepared to face the pain of losing that relationship. They are flooded with a range of feelings, from disappointment to anger, and feeling like a failure to outright sadness. Family and friends may not understand what they are going through; sometimes divorce can be so hard that they may almost not recover.
When it comes to divorce you have to take the time to heal. In fact, it is perfectly ok to not date for one to two years after a divorce. (For some, of course, it is ok to start dating right away; each person is different). What is important is taking the time to heal before getting into a serious dating situation. Focus on yourself for a while. Build yourself up. Become focused on your healing and your happiness. After a divorce is the perfect time to be really “selfish” about your life. Just be self “centric” for a while, until you are wholly healed.
Many times people think that being divorced means they are alone. People often get married in order to have a partner with them to “face the world” and then suddenly after divorce they have the fear that they will be facing the world alone. Divorce doesn’t mean you are alone. (In fact, married people often report feeling lonely in their marriages). Single is not synonymous with being alone. Family and friends are important relationships in your life; you are never alone if you are surrounded by people who love you. During your healing process those family and friend relationships are the ones you should rely on.
After you have focused on yourself, built stronger relationships with your family and friends, and are all healed up, it is time to get back out there. Of course, for some, especially people who have been married many years, the dating landscape can feel foreign and intimidating. Many times after divorce they are simply afraid to get back out there. How do you get back to dating? How do you go about it? Well, you are going to have to LEAP. Yes, you have to jump back out there. This doesn’t mean go crazy, but it does mean you will have to get out of your comfort zone. Dating requires vulnerability. That means being in situations where you may have to face rejection. But remember, rejection is not a bad thing.
Don’t expect a perfect relationship right off the bat. Take the time to date. “Dating is the art of getting to know someone” – Date Like A Woman. Take the time to get to know some people. Go on some dates! I can hear people asking, “How Kai? How do I get a date?” Well, you have to go out to get dates… Hit up your local wine or music festival, join an art class, go to places where people are being social. Meet people; mix and mingle. The dates will come. And, of course before you go read my book! It will definitely help you out!
~Kai
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