Recently, I listened to the Henny and HotWings Podcast, “Chivalry Is Dead and Women are the Reason Why,” where panelists discussed how women are killing chivalry by lowering their dating expectations for men. One example given was not allowing men to pay for dates but instead “going dutch,” taking money out of the equation and making things more simple.

In fact, I have heard this argument from men before. Their usual take is that if women want things to be “equal” they should start paying for dates. This topic comes up frequently amongst a certain demographic of men, usually those who are not as financially secure as others. Interestingly enough, I rarely hear this complaint from financially stable men. However, I really did take a moment to think about whether chivalry was dying and whether women were contributing to its demise. First, I had to look into what chivalry really is and what it means in the modern context.

Originally, chivalry was “…an informal, varying code of conduct developed between 1170 and 1220, never decided on or summarized in a single document, associated with the medieval institution of knighthood; knights’ and gentlewomen’s behaviours were governed by chivalrous social codes.” – Wikipedia. Chivalry was a code of behavior and expectations covering knights and soldiers. Over time, chivalry evolved into the modern sense of “very honorable and courteous behavior.” – Merriam Webster. Now, chivalry is basically men being courteous. So, have men stopped being courteous to women? No. They have not. Even in my personal experience, men are still courteous to women.

Of course, you have to add in the fact that chivalrous behavior is in some ways a holdover of patriarchy and many women and men are moving beyond patriarchal behaviors. There still are men who are courteous to women, not out of some patriarchal obligation, but because it is simply nice to be courteous. Not that there are not rude men; there are some who refuse to pay for the dates that they asked for, which is silly in my personal opinion. The fact is, men being kind and courteous is much more the norm than not. A better way to think of it may be as men acting out of heartfelt courtesy or politeness instead of obligation. Some men open doors, pull out chairs, and offer to fix things here and there, as a courtesy, and that’s perfectly ok. There is no reason to think chivalry is dead, because it isn’t.

It is fortunate that both sexism and patriarchy are currently being dismantled, and that courteous behavior still exists. In dating simply remember some basics, e.g.:

– Whoever asks for the date should pay for the date.

– It is fine to go on a dutch date as long as that is discussed up front.

– It is perfectly ok for a man to sometimes open doors and pick you up! He is simply being courteous and that’s a good thing.

~Kai

Follow me: @KaiNicole on Twitter, @KaiFlyMommy on Instagram. And, buy the best dating book for women, Date Like A Woman!

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