The recent tragic van attack in Toronto, Canada brought to my attention an online group called “incel.” If you haven’t heard, “incels” are men who consider themselves “involuntarily celibate.” The incel community is “[an] online subculture of young men who feel very frustrated with their sexual and romantic lives. They get together online to kind of talk about this, but the way that they express that isn’t through working through their feelings or talking through their issues. Instead, they move toward a very virulent misogyny, and they spend a lot of their time engaging in really violent ideation about the horrible things that they want to do to women and to sexually successful men.” – NPR
I really had to take a moment to digest what this community is all about. Basically, this is a group of men who are blaming women for their romantic failures. Let that sink in… While this subgroup is in the extreme, men in general often blame women for their lack of social ability. It got me to thinking about how men blame women for their own shortcomings, some even accusing women of being the sole reason they are single. They nonchalantly say that women are all “gold diggers” or “hoes” and for these reasons they cannot find a successful relationship. When it comes to men and dating, self-reflection is very often rare. Somehow it is always the women’s fault.
Many of the incel group and others lash out at feminism as the problem. They say that women are throwing away traditional roles and values and that is why they are not able to find suitable women to date. Here’s the thing; women are not the reason men are single; men are the reason men are single. If you are a man and you have a hard time dating it is not because feminism is killing your dating chances. It is because you are not likable as a man. It is your own fault if women do not like you. You are not “involuntarily celibate.” You lack emotional development and social skills which will attract women to you.
It is not feminism that is hurting these men’s dating and sex lives. It is sexism. Men often fail to see how sexism hurts them too. Sexism sets men up to believe that women should like them for not much more than their existence. When men finally realize that women don’t like them just because they exist, they feel anger towards the women. It’s not the women; it’s the men. Men who spend no time developing their social skills or emotional intelligence end up single because they do not know how to interact with women. Sexism literally sets men up to fail with women, most especially now since sexism and patriarchy are slowly being dismantled. As these social structures are breaking down, women are continuing to grow. However, men are lagging behind. They are not being prepared to operate in a world where they have to be emotionally mature and responsible for their own shortcomings.
Social media isn’t making this situation any better either. Men now spend more time than ever behind computer screens rather than interacting with women in person. This means that instead of developing the social skills needed to attract women they further dig themselves into frustration. They can see women everywhere, still for some reason they cannot gain their attention. This is a problem that will continue to grow unless men become accountable for their lack of social ability. This is also a time to realize that as a society we have a problem with sexism and men.
But, why is it that women don’t have this “involuntarily celibate” issue? In general, women are so much more emotionally intelligent than men. This is because women grow up having to navigate a world in which men dominate. Women literally have to operate in a space of emotionally immature men all the time. Women have to constantly consider whether their dealings with men will result in violence for a perceived rejection. This is a daily navigation. Women die daily as the result of a man who felt rejected. It’s sad. Men do not have to do that. Men do not have to constantly check to see whether their actions will involuntarily cause harm. Women do. This necessary need to navigate has created a gap in emotional intelligence between men and women.
Right now men are allowed to be petulant children, and when they reach a point where they realize they don’t deserve attention from women just for existing, they get angry. The problem is their anger is focused in the wrong place. Women are not the problem. Neither is feminism. These men should be angry at the system that lied to them in the first place and told them that they were special because they were born male and that women should fall at their feet. If these men had not been raised to believe this nonsense they would not be having such a hard time dealing with reality now.
~Kai
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