In my book, Date Like A Woman, I focused on dating because I wanted to make it clear that dating is not the same thing as a relationship although dating is a first step to getting into a relationship. I also wanted to emphasize that by dating in a way that enriches your life you can also avoid many relationship pitfalls along the way.
Having written about dating I am now spending more time focusing on relationships. But, even as I was doing research for my book, I found that many so called “normal” behaviors in dating/relationships are actually “harmful” behaviors that have been “normalized.”
Our society teaches women especially, to accept toxic behaviors as “love.” For example, the idea that women are to be the emotional support and refuge for men is so deeply ingrained in our society that women have to constantly navigate men’s emotions. It is a burden that unfairly saddles women with the responsibility for making a relationship work. These normalized harmful behaviors have led to many people ending up in unhappy and unsatisfying relationships.
My research has also caused me to do a lot of unlearning and relearning about what relationships really should be. I have concluded that relationships should be happy and enriching. In fact, any romantic partnership you enter into should be a place of happiness and rejuvenation. If it isn’t, throw it away. As I state in my book, “When you are in a relationship where you both share a real love for one another, you will always feel empowered in your relationship, never unsure, insecure, or jealous.” Date Like A Woman.
You are probably thinking to yourself, “But Kai, how do I find such a relationship?” By dating for compatibility. You have to date to find someone you are compatible with. Clinging to a list of preferences will never get you to compatibility. Fantasizing about what kind of relationship you want will not get you to compatibility. Only by truly knowing yourself, being happy in your own skin, and taking the opportunity to meet and get to know others will you ever know who you are compatible with.
Basically, you have to be realistic about dating and relationships. To find a relationship that’s loving, happy, and supportive you have to do the work to find it. That means you need to:
- Be open to dating.
- Date without the list of preferences in your head or the fantasy you want.
- Take the time to learn about yourself and to get to know someone else.
- Know that not every date will be a love connection but every date will bring you closer to where you want to be.
So, forget everything you ever learned about relationships and relearn what a relationship should be…happy and enriching…with a person who is compatible with you. When you do meet that compatible person, I promise you that connection you make will be one of the best connections you will ever have. So, get out there and make that connection, Date Like A Woman!
~Kai
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