If you are not familiar with the term “pick me” it refers to, “A woman who wants the attention of the opposite sex (or same sex) so badly, she’ll throw her fellow woman under the bus. Internalized misogyny at it’s finest.” – Urban Dictionary

#PickMes, consider themselves “traditionalists,” believing in only men being the natural born “leaders and breadwinners.” According to their beliefs, women are supposed to take care of the children, the house, and other menial tasks. Basically, these women, who do not support feminism, would like women to stop being so “sassy” and “independent,” find a “good husband,” and settle down.

These women, like their sexist male counterparts, are finding it very difficult to date in this changing cultural landscape. They along with sexist men are finding themselves single and both have zeroed in on  “independent” women as the problem.

One of the most interesting things about this phenomenon of #PickMes is despite their pandering to men, men are still not picking them. That’s right. The women who subscribe to these very antiquated, sexist beliefs, are not finding love at any greater frequency than the so-called “independent” women.

It would seem that the sexist men who want the “traditional,” subservient wife, should want these women. Right? Wrong. As much as these women pander to men, men simply do not find them attractive. Why not? Because they provide no challenge. They have already completely “submitted.”

Basically, #PickMes do not understand that by making themselves completely available they also make men less interested in them. Men do not have to pursue them; they are there waiting to be “chosen.” As I state in my book, Date Like A Woman, “Women are socially conditioned to choose from the potential mates who make their interests known, and men are conditioned to pursue the woman who interests them.” Since these women provide no challenge to the men, the men continue to do what they are socially conditioned to do, pursue the women they find attractive.

There is also the matter that many #PickMe women have low self-esteem because of internalized sexism, which translates into a lack of confidence. Both men and women are attracted to confidence. And even sexist men find independent women extremely attractive.  This is why sexist men will still pursue “independent” women. Quite simply, independent women are more confident, have higher self-esteem, and understand that they are the choosers, not the pursuers. This is also why you hear #PickMe women complaining about “good women” being passed over for [insert any sexist derogatory word for women here].

I do not expect this dynamic between the #Pickmes and independent women to change any time soon simply because sexism still has a strong hold on society. However, I do hope that all women start waking up to the fact that sexism has a strong hold on the dating world. Just because you wear your skirt below your knees, cook, clean, and praise men all day, does not mean men will like you more. In fact, it will probably make men like you less.

~Kai

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