In light of recent events, with increasing numbers of men losing their positions due to sexual misconduct, I have seen a corresponding increase in posts from men seemingly confused as to what actually accounts for sexual harassment.
There are multiple posts and comments claiming that men are being attacked, that men will no longer be able to be in the same room with women, and that every comment men make will be considered harassment. There is an overwhelming amount of confusion about what actually constitutes sexual harassment. Many men are claiming that they feel they can never talk to women again without fear of being accused of sexual misconduct. Strangely, however, this confusion does not seem to extend to women (shocking).
Since I really do not want men to be afraid to interact with women, I decided to write a definitive guide for men to know what exactly is “sexual harassment.”
Let’s begin with the definition.
Sexual harassment – “harassment (typically of a woman) in a workplace, or other professional or social situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks.”
Let’s break this defintion down further.
Harassment – aggressive pressure or intimidation.
Workplace – a place where people work, such as an office or factory.
Unwanted – not or no longer desired.
Sexual – relating to the instincts, physiological processes, and activities connected with physical attraction or intimate physical contact between individuals.
Obscene – (of the portrayal or description of sexual matters) offensive or disgusting by accepted standards of morality and decency.
Advances – an approach made to someone, typically with the aim of initiating a sexual encounter.
Remarks – say something as a comment; mention.
Now that we have the definitions out of the way let’s talk about what is and what is not sexual harassment.
Even in its definition sexual harassment is defined by WHERE harassment occurs. Sexual harassment happens in a “workplace or other professional or social situation.” While sexism has created an environment where men feel that sexual conversations are acceptable everywhere, the fact is, they are not. There are appropriate times and locations for sexual conversation.The workplace and other professional situations are not appropriate for sexual conversation, even amongst other men. So, is talking about sex at work to coworkers sexual harassment? Yes.
#DLAW Sexual Harassment Rule 1: Don’t talk about sex at work. Not with anyone, men or women.
Now I know that “social situation” in the definition is confusing to many men because “social” can mean a lot of things. Social isn’t necessarily work or professional. That’s when you need to rely on a different word in the definition, “unwanted.” Unwanted means not desired or no longer desired. That means if you talk about sex to someone who doesn’t want to talk about sex, that is an unwanted conversation. This also means that if you “hit” on a woman ANYWHERE, not just at work, and she isn’t interested in you, your advances are unwanted.
This unwanted part seems to really confuse a lot of men. To just break it down slowly… not… all… women… are… interested… in… you… Shocking, right?? But yes, many women may not want you. It’s ok, some others may. It is important for you to remember and say this to yourself daily, “Not all women want me.” Cool? Cool.
Now, I have noticed that many men seem to be really upset because you know, they feel they can no longer “shoot their shot” at a woman they are attracted to. Let me help you fellas out a bit.
Let’s say maybe, just maybe, there is a woman at your job that you are interested in dating. Many of you are confused as to whether it’s ok to ask her out. Well, that depends. If you are her supervisor in any capacity, the answer is no. Here’s why. You are in a position of power. Any person in a position of power has more responsibility. Part of that responsibility is not abusing that power.
A woman whose supervisor hits on her is put in a position to wonder if by rejecting her supervisor she jeopardizes her job. This automatically makes for an environment of intimidation and harassment. That is an abuse of power. So no, you as a supervisor cannot ask your subordinates out. I know, it sucks, but if you do, you are sexually harassing your subordinate. (If she is that important to you, quit your job first, then ask her out. That way, no problems later!)
#DLAW Sexual Harassment Rule 2: Don’t hit on your subordinates.
Now you are thinking, “But Kai, I really like my coworker and she isn’t my subordinate and I want to take her out. Can I ask her out?” Yes, you can. Like this “Hey ____, I was wondering if you would like to go out for lunch/dinner outside of work?” This question doesn’t rise to the level of sexual harassment. It doesn’t have any inappropriate language, there are no inappropriate comments about sex, nor are there any comments about the woman’s body. Just a nice and easy question which has a yes or no answer.
But, here is where it gets tricky. If she says no, DON’T ask her again, because if you persist, that is sexual harassment. You see once she says no, your interest is (remember the word!) “unwanted.” So any attempt to ask her out again after she says no, is HARASSMENT.
This also applies to women outside of work as well. If you ask a woman out, or to dance, or for five minutes of her time and she says no, don’t ask her again. I know…I know…you are going to ask, “But Kai, how do I tell a woman I like her?” Well, the answer is just like this, “I like you.” If the woman lets you know very clearly that she is not interested, let it go. We’ve been taught that persistence pays off, but unwanted persistence does not. This applies to street harassment, club harassment, grocery store harassment…Once a woman says “no” leave her alone.
#DLAW Sexual Harassment Rule 3: Once a woman has made it clear she isn’t interested in you, stop hitting on her.
This brings me to the confusion about commenting on women’s bodies. I get it, society has made it so easy for men to make comments about women’s bodies. Every single man feels free to talk about a woman’s body parts. It’s literally a part of the culture. Men freely say what they think and how they feel about women’s bodies daily. However, talking about women’s bodies at work, is never ok. That includes comments about how a woman’s clothes fit her.
For example, if you say “Hey _____, you look nice today,” that is not harassment. However, if you say “Hey _____, that dress is fitting you in all the right places.” That is harassment. Why? Because it is a comment about a woman’s body and that is NOT ok.
#DLAW Sexual Harassment Rule 4: Don’t talk about women’s bodies at work.
While we are on the subject of bodies and body parts there also seems to be a lot of confusion about when it’s ok for men to pull out their penises in front of women at work. Actually, given that men seem to be ok sending dick pics to total strangers on the internet, I believe that this problem with men showing their penises at inappropriate times is much more pervasive than we know and probably requires more research. However, to alleviate any confusion about when it is ok for you men to pull out your penis at the office I come to my final rule.
#DLAW Sexual Harassment Rule 5: Don’t pull out your penis in front of anyone while at work. Ever.
Pulling out your penis in front of your coworkers is definitely sexual harassment!
Hope this guide helps you all! And, please ladies if this made you laugh, don’t forget to grab a copy of Date Like A Woman! And follow me on Twitter @KaiNicole and on Instagram @KaiFlyMommy!
~Kai
