Most who have followed Jill Scott over the years know that her song lyrics are often sexually explicit. Nevertheless, many were still shocked by a recent “performance” that went viral on Twitter. Based on many of the reactions, sex is still very much a taboo topic ESPECIALLY when it comes to black women. I have, therefore, decided to share this anonymous interview. It is with a black woman who is a part of the BDSM community.
~Kai
What is BDSM?
A good definition of it is from Wikipedia:
BDSM is a variety of often erotic practices or role playing involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other related interpersonal dynamics. It always involves consent.
But, for this interview I’m going to go into a lot more detail for your readers.
Bondage (B) involves anything with restraints. This can range from holding a body part down to using ropes to form elaborate ties and knots. An everyday form quite a few people have used is holding a person’s wrists and hands down during sex or foreplay.
Discipline (D) involves when a mutually consensual couple in a power exchange relationship uses set agreed-upon rules between the dominant and the submissive. The submissive or bottom allows the dominant or top to place the rules and the sub or bottom follows them. If the rules are violated, then the dominant will have a set type of discipline in place to help the submissive regain control of themselves under the rules. The discipline can range from physical restriction, spanking or removal of an item or activity the submissive enjoys until the submissive agrees to comply to the rules again they both agreed on. Typically, there are ground rules that are discussed before they agree and the submissive can choose at any time to end the agreement to follow the rules at anytime they no longer feel happy and safe with the dominant.
The dominant can also agree to leave the relationship if they feel the submissive is being too careless or they do not think the submissive is able to emotionally handle a power exchange relationship. Typically, the couple will discuss their problems and come to a compromise before they decide to end their relationship.
Dominance and submission (D/s) involves when two people make a mutual decision to enter into a type of power exchange relationship by each other’s choice either for a short or long period of time and they choose each other exclusively to explore any aspects of BDSM. Typically this involves where someone is a Dominant or a Top and a Submissive or a Bottom. Within this type of relationship the submissive or bottom agrees to allow a dominant or top control an aspect of their lives and in turn, the dominant or top agrees to take care of the submissive or bottom in a certain area of their lives. It is a huge fallacy that all power exchange relationships are sexual. On the contrary, many are not and can involve financial, domestic and etc. Also, there may not involve any other aspects of BDSM. For example, a top and bottom may just have a preference only for domestic submission or financial and there is no sex involved.
Within the D/s relationship, there is some type of contract that is discussed and agreed upon before entering into it together. Just as the sub or dom can leave or break the contract in discipline, they can choose to leave for similar reasons.
Finally, sadomasochism (S-M or S/M) is the giving or receiving pleasure from acts involving the receipt or infliction of pain or humiliation. Practitioners of sadomasochism may seek sexual gratification from their acts. While the terms sadist and masochist refer respectively to one who enjoys giving or receiving pain, practitioners of sadomasochism may switch between activity and passivity. Just like in the previous paragraphs, S-M always involves consent and is agreed upon between two people.
How did you get into it?
I have been active on and off for the past 15 yrs. I first discovered it in my late 20s when I discovered Anne Rice’s Beauty Series. I fell instantly in love with it and it peaked my curiosity about BDSM. From that, I did my research about BDSM and found out that I am a submissive more by nature. Over time and talking to others who also use BDSM or D/s, I discovered I am a sexual and domestic submissive. This means for myself, I have enjoyment with my own consent to allow a dominant to control some aspects of my life within domestic service to him and sexual service to him. For example, I have a Dominant that I have been with for 5 years and he and I will agree on him controlling or pushing me to do better on what I spend on the household expenses so I don’t waste it on something we really don’t need; I can be horrible at self-control in spending so it was agreed that if he sees me spending recklessly, I will give him control of my credit cards (his name isn’t on them) and he will put them in a safe but unknown place in the house until I can demonstrate I can pay down my bill and show more control over my finances. If I do well, he rewards me with paying for a luxury item out of his own pocket and a bonus, my CC is paid off by me controlling my spending with his help.
Now, am I capable of doing this on my own? Yes. But, I get enjoyment out of having [him] control certain aspects of my life and it is totally within my control to leave or end my relationship at anytime with him. I work in a great job that pays well, I have several degrees including a Masters and trying to complete a Doctorate and I have a very happy and fulfilling social life with my girlfriends.
Do you think BDSM is healthy? Why?
Yes! Because it allows you to express in an emotionally vulnerable way with another person things that you feel others will not accept about you and for them also. You become more open, honest, vulnerable and loving with each other. With my Dom, he and I are closer in ways I have never been or he has never been with anyone else. You trust this person on such a deep level and acceptance of them totally. For the individual, it allows you to express more of what you wish you want to be.
There are actually major studies on the psychological health benefits for BDSM. In one recent study BDSM practitioners as a whole were on average more extraverted, open to experience and conscientious, and less neurotic, as well as less sensitive to rejection, more securely attached, and higher in subjective well-being than the comparison group. On the less favorable side though, the BDSM group was less agreeable. High extraversion and low neuroticism tend to be associated with greater overall happiness, so it is not surprising that people with these traits appear psychologically secure and to have high subjective well-being.
As a black woman do you find that BDSM is taboo? Why do you think that is?
Yes! Very much so! I have discovered that our community can have a tendency to base morality within our sexuality and bring a double standard for us as black women. Most of the problem I will experience with my own sisters that are not into BDSM is the false idea that I am not in control of being in a power exchange relationship and that by allowing my Dominant to control some aspects of my life, it means I am powerless. On the contrary, I am more in touch with who and what I am. I am exchanging power with him, not giving it away. In turn, he is also allowing himself to allow someone [to] trust his decisions totally knowing he will keep them from doing things that will bring them down. I find it to be a balance between us. Also, sexually that I am viewed as a whore or worse because I will explore my kinks with him and vice versa and allow him to explore what makes him and me happy and him be in total control of the bedroom. There is a stigma in our community that black people in BDSM are corrupt, immoral and weak. Often, it’s more of our community that shames me for liking BDSM and the sexual and emotional pleasure I receive within it. What I have found with other ethnicities and races are more of a fetishism and with those I ignore. My own Dom is a black man and he finds it’s more accepting for him. With me being submissive, I find that my sisters will try to demean me.
Younger people generally are more open than older generations. I’m a part of the late Gen X and mostly I see more acceptance with Millennials on BDSM.
On another note, researchers have discovered over 62% of people have expressed interest in BDSM. That’s a LOT of people. I think with some of the culture becoming more mainstream through books and movies, it is becoming less taboo.
How has it helped you connect with your partner?
As stated before, it has allowed us to become more vulnerable and loving and honest with each other. Total acceptance of how we both are, including our sexual kinks. My Dom is also my best friend in so many ways; I know for himself he has told me I am his also. There literally is almost nothing we hide from each other and there is a security between us that we have each other no matter what. Can we both end it? Yes, but often since there is so much that is involved emotionally you both try harder to work it out. For couples that are into a long-term power exchange relationship, like we are, it literally is like losing a part of yourself if you both end. It’s very traumatic for BDSM couples to end. It’s a type of emotional homelessness if it goes away.
If a woman is interested in BDSM but has never tried it what would you recommend?
I would reach out to local munches (type of meeting) to meet with other people interested in it. Sometimes you can speak to others in online groups on websites like Fetlife, to find others that would be interested. There are online quizzes that you can take to see what you like within BDSM. If you decide to continue your journey, always do research and read authors like Michael Mckay who is considered to be an expert on BDSM. Ask questions and a lot of questions. A few good books I can recommend from the top of my head are The Loving Dominant and Q20: Twenty Questions You Can Ask Your Possible Dominant. Another great resource is Evie Levine on Youtube. BlackPeopleKink.com is a great source for BDSM for our people.
Also, take your time either as a dom or sub with choosing a partner. Follow your gut and if something feels wrong about a person you are talking to about entering BDSM with them, then walk away. You owe them no explanation especially early on in why you don’t trust them and why you need to feel safe. BDSM is about consent and safety.
If a single woman is dating and into BDSM should she tell the men she is dating right away?
Personally, I would tell them right off the bat. But I would also get to know them first to see if they would be a good safe person to become involved with in BDSM. So a good way is after a couple of good dates, have the discussion and set your conditions and expectations for what you need from them if they are interested. For example, tell them you require for them to read a certain book and do research on types of contracts. Do NOT enter into ANY type of power exchange relationship unless you trust them totally. If they push you, walk away. This is about consent and trust. A good person into kink would never violate your consent or force you.
Follow me: @KaiNicole on Twitter, @KaiFlyMommy on Instagram. And, buy the best dating book for women, Date Like A Woman!
