Kai,
Men keep asking me to go on cheap dates. I know you say cheap dates like coffee dates are ok but I don’t want to date a broke man. I feel like I’m too old to be going on walks. I feel like men who plan cheap dates are broke. These dudes are lazy and just don’t want to spend anything anymore. They just want sex.
Tasha
Dear Tasha,
Like you, many other women have a hard time understanding that just because a man doesn’t spend a lot of money on a date does not mean he doesn’t have money. One of the biggest dating problems that I see is women looking for a fairy tale type of date where a man comes along, asks them out to a 5-star restaurant, picks them up in a limo, and takes them to a concert afterwards. Movies and television have a lot to do with this perception of dating. Please understand, I am not saying that dates like this don’t happen. They do. But, they are more the exception than the rule.
Another problem with this “romantic comedy” perception of dating is the belief that if a man does ask a woman out on an expensive date then that man will inevitably become the One. It is very important for women to understand that just because a man will do something like that on a first date does not automatically mean that he is the One and that marriage will ultimately happen.
The truth is that no matter what type of date you go on relationships only happen if you are compatible. And, the only way to find out if you are compatible is to take the time to get to know one another. Money is not a factor in getting to know one another. That’s why it does not matter if the date is expensive or cheap; the point of the date is not what is spent, it is how much you learn about the other person while on the date.
An important part about dating that is missed by many women with your perspective is that the cost of the date does not equate to your value. A cheap date does not mean that a man thinks you are worthless. It is more important that a man engages with you, talks to you, and gets to know you on the date. If he’s not doing that then he is not interested in you. You should go on dates to get to know a guy, not because he spends a lot of money.
Here’s the thing, if you don’t like going on walks or coffee dates, that’s fine. However, just because a man asks you on a walking or coffee date doesn’t automatically mean that he doesn’t have money or that he’s cheap. While there are men who may not have a lot of money who would offer such dates, there are also men who offer such dates because that’s something they actually like. Personally, I have been on many dates where we took a walk; it’s a lovely way to get to know someone. However, if you don’t like walking dates or “cheap” dates, maybe that’s simply an incompatibility.
It is unfortunate that you believe men who ask you out on a walk or to coffee are “broke.” There are men who make six figures and higher who don’t own cars. They may be one of those men you perceive as broke but really aren’t. You could be turning down a man who makes a lot of money simply because you are not open to just getting to know him. By passing up on dates you perceive to be “cheap” you may actually be passing up on a chance to get to know a man you are compatible with. The point of a date is not to see how much money a man will spend on you but for you to get to know him. That’s it.
There are a LOT of women who disagree with me on this. These women say that if a man is not willing to plan what they call a “real” date he is not worth the time. This belief that an expensive date is “real” but a cheap date is not is a fallacy. Again, the point of a date is not how much a man spends but to get to know one another. And, I must point out that most of the women I see online who are super vocal about not going on cheap dates are also women who rarely date. Ultimately though, the choice is up to you.
Perhaps instead of assuming a man who asks you out on a walking date is broke you just step out of your comfort zone for a moment and go for that walk. You might be surprised. He could be the guy who is compatible with you and he may not be anywhere near “broke.”
~Kai
Be sure to check my personal blog at FlyMommy.net! And, don’t forget to buy the best dating book for women, Date Like A Woman!
