Hi Kai! As you know having a healthy sex life is important in a relationship. Can you please shed some insight on why so many black women put various restrictions on sex?

Smoodie

Hi Smoodie!

A lot of women put restrictions on sex, not just black women. However, I think in order to understand the hang-ups many black women have about sex and their sexuality, we have to look at the historical context of black women and their sexuality in this country.

Black women during slavery were subjected to sexual assault by slave owners and other white men without any recourse. Black women did not own their bodies nor their sexuality. “Slave women were forced to comply with sexual advances by their masters on a very regular basis. Consequences of resistance often came in the form of physical beatings.” (Master-Slave Relations) Not only did black women not own their bodies or their sexuality, they were blamed for their own sexual assaults. This not only led to the Jezebel stereotype but also the fear of being considered such a woman.

Black women over generations taught their daughters that certain sexual acts and behaviors meant you would be disrespected and could also lead to sexual assaults. Sadly, a lot of hang-ups with black women and their sexuality comes from the trauma that their ancestors suffered. These attitudes have been passed down through generations of women.

Of course, now it’s different. Black women do have more control over their sexuality but many still have the same hang-ups. This, of course, can lead to an unfulfilled sex life. But, it’s not just black women. Women in general are shamed or judged for being open and expressive about their sexual desires.

There is a sexist expectation that women be chaste in public (but minxs in the bedroom, for fear of being labeled a “slut” or “whore” or some other type of degrading name). This has led many women to not only not know what they like sexually but to have sex only for the enjoyment of their male partners. This has been and is a recipe for disaster. Women need healthy sex lives and their sexual desires met just as much as men, yet there are many women who are sexually unfulfilled.

As you said, having a healthy sex life is important. Not having a satisfying and healthy sex life can be very damaging to your self-esteem. As I state in my book, “A healthy sex life (and safe one!) is good for you. It will help boost your mood and your confidence.”  It’s important that women know what makes them happy sexually and not restrict themselves to only certain types of sexual interactions.

Women who have hang-ups about sex often have issues in their dating lives. It is important that before a woman starts dating that she be absolutely comfortable with her sexuality and be able to openly express her desires. A healthy attitude about sex will lead to a much healthier dating life and a much more satisfying one too!

~Kai

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