I was in a 5 yrs on and off relationship with my ex that ended in 2016.
I tried my best to be a good supportive and loving boyfriend. Making sure that her needs were met. I am frustrated because it is 5 yrs down the drain. I don’t believe that she loved me (at least how I needed to be loved) or was with me for the right reason. 9/10, what she asked for, she would get esp. if it was a priority.
I suffer from Sickle Cell Anemia which causes extreme pain. I was in the hospital and asked her for a back massage; she started beating my back (she never gave me a massage like that before) which caused me to request morphine for pain.
Honestly, I am hurt. Most recently I’ve seen her 2x and though I am still in love with her, I know that she isn’t the one for me. The loving, caring, supportive man that God and my parents instilled in me is slowly diminishing. I know not to change or blame other women because of one bad seed.
I am losing faith because I hear that women want a good guy but the truth is most don’t want that. Good men get passed up as often as good women. I am at a cross point because clearly this isn’t working at the end of the day. I just want my wife but running into women looking for financial support vs concrete support. She does have a lot of good characteristics, while we were together for 5 yrs. She was very materialistic.
I was even looking for a home for us before we ended things. We never broke up for serious things but mainly little arguments that snowballed into bigger issues.
I am all in and willing to work it out until she says we are not; to avoid harassment. Too old to be playing games. I am trying real hard not to be a stat because trying to follow my heart is not working out for me.
G. Charles
Dear G.,
Let me preface this blog by stating that you should seriously consider seeking a professional to talk to. I can tell that this situation has caused you tremendous emotional pain. You deserve happiness and you need to know that. A professional counselor will help you through the pain and also help you get to a positive place. I know there is a stigma for many people about seeking professional counseling but as someone who had an ex do some very terrible things to me, seeking a professional counselor was one of the best decisions I ever made. So, please do find someone to talk to. It will do you a world of good.
Now to your immediate situation. Most people have a tendency to believe in such a thing as a “good man” or “good woman.” The truth is there is no such thing as a “good man” or “good woman.” Everyone has the potential to hurt you. In fact, when people have certain attributes that we believe make them a “good woman/man,” we have a tendency to let our guards down thinking they will never hurt us. There is not one person who has not hurt someone else in the world. We all have the potential to cause another’s harm, most times inadvertently. We need to stop looking for someone who is “good” and look for someone who is “good for you.”
You already know this person is not good for you; you stated it in your letter. You already know she is not the one for you. Yet, for some reason you are having a hard time letting her go. You have an unhealthy emotional attachment to her. Being unwilling to let go of a relationship makes it impossible to move forward. You won’t be able to start a new healthy relationship while you are still emotionally locked in this one.
It is around two years since you broke up and you are still considering being with her, while she has apparently moved on. Why do you want to continue on with someone who, as you say, is “very materialistic,” and who didn’t love you the way you “needed to be loved??” Does this seem like the right person for you to marry? It sounds more like a recipe for a disastrous marriage followed by a divorce in a few years. If you think you are in pain now, imagine how painful a divorce would be (especially if you were to have children).
On the flip side, you say that she has a lot of good characteristics but then you call her materialistic. That is a type of backhanded compliment and not a good sign. In fact, in my book I warn women about men who do this. It is a big red flag. You say that you are in love with her. Are you sure that you really do love her? Is it possible that your attachment is more about you not being in control of whether she loves you or not? This may be the reason why you have been having a hard time letting go of this particular relationship. It’s not in your control and you really would like it to be. When we truly love someone we are not focused on how they love us but more on how we love them. Your focus seems to be on what you have done for her and that she has not reciprocated. That is not love in its truest sense.
You also state that you want “my wife” instead of you “would like to be married.” This may not be a big deal. However, the words you choose lead me to think that you may believe that you are entitled to have a wife as a “possession” rather than sharing a real partnership. Perhaps you really need to examine what you think marriage is. A wife is definitely not a possession. A wife does not belong to you. A wife is a partner.
What is clear is that you want to date with the intention of finding marriage. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, you cannot enter into a dating situation while you are still mending your heart from another. The problem with dating while in emotional pain is that you attract similar people and situations. Broken people attract broken people. You will never find the happy situation you want as long as you are emotionally attached to this situation. This is the time for you to take a step back and heal. Stop dating until you are fully whole and ready to meet someone you can truly love wholeheartedly.
Let go of the belief that you have wasted five years. Just because the relationship did not work out does not mean you wasted your time. We learn something about ourselves in every relationship which, hopefully, makes us better people. Take the lessons you have learned from this relationship and apply them to the next. Besides, you really don’t want to end up marrying someone because you have been together for a long time. So many people are in bad marriages now just because of that reason. Take the lesson and move on to something greater.
You also mentioned that you have Sickle Cell Anemia. That is a serious condition that requires a serious commitment from anyone whom you will potentially date in order to truly understand what you are going through. Are you connected to any Sickle Cell Anemia support groups? Many of these groups have meetups. Maybe after getting some counseling and healing from this situation you can start looking for a potential partner in a place that understands one of the hardest issues in your life. If you do, I promise you that you will never ever want to be in this old relationship again.
Last, but not least, in your next relationship, state up front what your needs are to make sure that they are met.
Kai
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