Dearest Kai,
Why are men emotionally immature idiots? I spent considerable time with his family, even had his mom over for dinner at my place once.. BLAH blah don’t lend money in relationships… but it’s sure coincidental that as soon as he paid me back from our trip to his sister’s wedding in Hawaii, that he broke up with me two days later. After 10 months, I came home to him at my place with his stuff packed, and he opened the convo with ”I haven’t been honest with myself’ and ‘we need to separate. My feelings for you haven’t grown.” Who does that?! I stopped hearing any cliches he said after that. Writing this rant helped me feel better. But seriously, what’s with men who pull this crap :/
Heartbroken
Dearest Heartbroken,
First of all, good riddance. Second, it’s better that you found out this particular man was a jerk in 10 months instead of 10 years. While some men may be emotionally immature this particular man is a user. He used you to get to his sister’s wedding and when he finished paying you back he no longer felt he was obligated to stay with you. He was also hoping to just “ghost you” by packing his things while you were not home which means he’s also a coward. All in all, you are absolutely better off without him although I know when a relationship ends, no matter the reason, it can still be very painful.
Not all men are emotionally immature although a LOT of them are. It is because our society creates an environment where men are not allowed to be emotionally open and expressive without ridicule. Sadly, it is a side effect of sexism and patriarchy. Many men have a hard time being honest with others about how they feel. Since our society encourages men to not express themselves in a healthy way you often hear about stories like yours. It’s unfortunate but it is often more the norm than not.
There are emotionally mature men out there, I promise. They do exist although they may seem to be in the minority. Hopefully, as sexism and patriarchy are dismantled, we will be able to support not only the physical, intellectual, and social development of boys but also their emotional growth by teaching that it is perfectly ok to be honest about how they feel so that they will grow up to be men who do not do stupid, cowardly acts, like this guy.
At some point, when you are ready to start dating again, you will have to treat each guy as an individual. Yes, there will still be emotionally immature men but you will be much better at recognizing them. Remember to trust your intuition. I gather from your story that you really didn’t want to lend him money which means that you did not trust your intuition with this guy. Remember, ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INTUITION! It is always looking out for your best interests. Women often doubt our intuition because of outside influences. Learn to listen to what your gut is telling you. You will never regret a decision you made because you trusted yourself.
For now though, take time to heal. Focus on yourself and your goals. When it’s time to get back out there you will know and you will have renewed confidence. You will also not allow another man to use you like this one.
~Kai
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