Now that I have your attention, let’s talk. Why is having a list problematic to a happy dating life? In my book I urge women to get rid of their lists. However, after several exchanges on Twitter starting this morning and continuing throughout the day from many women who strongly believe in having a list, I think it is important to delve a little bit deeper into why having a list of requirements for the men you will allow yourself to date is hurting your dating life.
Most lists have nothing to do with compatibility. Let’s do a quick comparison of compatibility versus preferences. Compatibility is “existing together in harmony,” having shared interests, likes, and dislikes, as for example, being in synch with someone personality-wise. That is compatibility. Preference, on the other hand is “something that is liked or wanted more than another thing,” meaning wanting something in particular. Preference does not necessarily have anything to do with compatibility.
The problem with most women’s lists is that they are filled with preferences. For example, many women’s lists have a height requirement. However, your requirement that a man be taller than 5′ 9″ has nothing to do with whether a man shorter than 5′ 9″ may actually be compatible with you. A height requirement is a preference. Often these lists are filled with who the woman would prefer to date rather than what would actually give her a fulfilling dating experience. Sure, a man may be tall but that does not mean he wants to spend endless hours listening to you talk about your life goals. The same goes for women who say that they do not want to date men with children. That is also a preference. The fact that a man has a college degree, for example, has nothing to do with whether he likes to watch tv in bed, like you do. The same goes for having an income requirement. Just because a man has a high level of income will not pre-determine that he will load the toilet paper roll the same way that you do.
Lists are almost always composed of shallow preferences and not with qualities that will enhance the interaction between two people. Yes, you can prefer to date a man who has a car and you can eliminate men who do not own cars. That may mean that you have preemptively removed a person from your dating pool who is very compatible with you. For example, there are men who make six figures in large cities where, after doing the math, decided that having a car was not worth the expense. Yet, many women would automatically eliminate these men as potential dates just because they don’t own a car.
Many women do not want to date men who have children. This is a preference. It has nothing to do with whether you will be compatible with someone who has children. Now, if you say you hate children, then a man with children becomes incompatible; that is a dislike. In general, I have noticed that the reason most women do not want to date a man with children is not because they dislike children, but because they do not want to have children with someone who already has children. Again, that’s a preference, and it may eliminate someone from your potential dating pool for a very shallow reason. You could be eliminating a man who is not only compatible with you, but that you can observe as a father even before you have children together, to see the type of father he would be to your child.
Not only is the list killing your potential dating pool it is also setting you up for unrealistic expectations. As I say in my book, “If you have a list of requirements that a man has to meet to date you, you should probably go ahead and toss that list into the garbage. Yep, throw it away. Toss it out. Forget you even made this list of requirements. Why? Because the chances of you meeting a man who meets your requirements is extremely rare, if not impossible. In fact, if you did meet a man who met these requirements, he probably would not date you.”
Now, if you have a list of requirements that shows your likes and dislikes and philosophies, then maybe your list is realistic for finding someone who is compatible with you. However, having a list of preferences structured simply to eliminate is killing your dating life and probably making it quite frustrating, basically because your list of preferences has nothing to do with whether a man will or will not be compatible with you.
~ Kai
Follow me: @KaiNicole on Twitter, @KaiFlyMommy on Instagram. And, buy the best dating book for women, Date Like A Woman!
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