We have all heard of the “good guy” who is kind, smart, loyal, respectful, and loving. The good guys are not like the players of the world. These guys are the ones that women should look for when they date. They are after all, “good.”
In recent months I have ruffled quite a few feathers because I have stated that good guys don’t exist. That’s right; good guys don’t exist. They are a myth.
In fact, when HBO’s “Insecure” premiered last year the character Lawrence became the de facto example of a “good guy.” This was easily achieved because his girlfriend Issa, cheated on him. Automatically in the eyes of self-proclaimed “good guys” Issa became the “bad” one in the relationship, and Lawrence the “good” one.
Self-proclaimed good guys everywhere were cheering for Lawrence. #TeamLawrence and the #LawrenceHive popped up all over the internet. Here was Lawrence a “good guy” allegedly doing what a “good” man should in his relationship by, I guess not cheating with the bank teller Tasha, who he flirted with regularly. (The bar for being a “good guy” is really low by the way…) And Issa, the “bad” girlfriend cheated on him. I mean, Lawrence had been a “good” boyfriend the whole time right?
I remember a discussion about Lawrence not actually being a good guy while on a date. My date was a self-proclaimed “good guy” and was taken aback by me stating that good guys don’t exist, and that Lawrence was in fact, not a good guy. I explained to my date, as I explain in my book, ‘“the “good guy” thing is a fallacy in itself. People are people. Everyone is capable of good or bad behavior. Even a person you love can hurt you. Truth is the so called “good guy” has done way more damage to dating women than the so called “bad” ones. Why? Because women let their guards down to men who appear “good.” ‘- Date Like A Woman
That’s right, every man wants to appear to be a good guy because no one wants to be thought of as bad. But, as I have stated in my book, everyone is capable of good and bad behavior. Everyone can hurt someone else unintentionally. It is impossible to go through life without hurting someone at some point. That means every single man has been a bad guy to someone. Hence, there are no good guys.
Let’s take Lawrence, for example. The self-proclaimed “good guys” have labeled him as the mascot for their cause. Yet, in Lawrence’s very next dating experience he hurts the very next woman he has a fling with, Tasha. He accepts Tasha’s affections, her sexual availability, even her home and her food. She willingly gives all of this because she also sees him as a “good guy,” and not just a “good guy,” but one of the “good” ones who was cheated on. She feels sympathy for Lawrence because he is one of the good guys that his ex didn’t appreciate. He was doing all he should to be a “good” man, and Issa didn’t appreciate it, right? Yet, Lawrence hurts Tasha anyway.
How can a good guy hurt the very next woman he dates??? Because, Lawrence was never a good guy in the first place. I am not calling him a bad guy either, I am calling him human. There are no good guys; there are no bad guys. Lawrence is a guy like many who do not know what they want and are too selfish or too fearful to be honest about their feelings. Had Lawrence been honest with Issa about not feeling valued in their relationship, their relationship may have gone another way. It’s the same with Tasha. If he had been honest about only wanting to use her as a rebound she could have made better decisions about having him around. Ultimately though, it’s clear that Lawrence is not a “good guy,” he’s just a regular guy.
So ladies, trust me, stop looking for good guys. They don’t exist. Start looking for a guy who is good for you. If you do, you can avoid a lot of issues in the end.
~ Kai
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The Mythical Good Guy
I’ve always found it interesting how the male and female perspective on some topics are since so differently. I would consider myself that “Mythical Good Guy”. Though I am not perfect in anyway I do try my best to treat the one that I am with respect and do what I can to show her that she is loved. When I was younger my male friends would tell me that I am too nice to them that I need to treat them bad every once in a while to keep them on their toes. I laugh about it today because all of our female friends would say, “No Thomas, don’t change, women want a man who respects them”. I laugh because they all are married and the guy who doses the opposite of what they do is still single. Now I’ve had girlfriends from that time to now and I’ve never cheated on them. Even when other women would try to get me to have sex with them.
So, when I watched the HBO TV show Insecure I was pissed and was rooting for Lawrence. Issa was being very negative towards him while he was unemployed, she even kept the negative energy going even after he got a job at Best Buy. She was short and dismissive with him. The bank teller was nice to him and gave him the attention that Issa didn’t. From what I remember he didn’t ask for her number and begin talking to her behind Issa’s back nor did he take her to lunch or dinner. He just flirted with her at the bank. While Issa was having a fantasy of the brotha that she cheated with. She even called him her Pussy Kryptonite, which not good if you’re in a relationship.
Well, those are some of my short comments. Good men are all around you, but you have to open up to receive them. If you believe that we don’t exist then you will miss us every time.
Take care.
So let me share an observation I have made about self proclaimed “good guys” like you over the years, you all believe that you have been passed over by women for “bad guys”. As I say in this post, there are no good OR bad guys, people are people. And anyone can hurt someone else.
I get it, you want to hold on to the belief that the reason you are single is no one can see how “good” of a man you are. If all the men who you believe are “bad” guys are married, maybe it’s time for some self reflection, maybe you aren’t as “good” as you think you are.
Personally since I don’t think that there are good or bad guys if I were to determine what it is that is causing women to pass you over, I would think it had to do with how you perceive yourself verses how the world actually perceives you. If you can find the difference then maybe you can figure out why you’ve had such trouble dating.