I came across a tweet this morning by Essence with this title, “Top 7 Reasons Why Single Black Men Don’t Approach Black Women.” My immediate reaction was to groan. As a Black woman (and Essence subscriber) I get tired of seeing articles attacking Black women. To see one from a publication that is supposed to uplift Black women was strikingly offensive. But, since it’s there I felt it only fair that I offer my rebuttal. Here it is, “The top 5 reasons why Essence should not write relationship articles for Black women:”
1. They use click bait.
Most of their “relationship” articles aren’t giving sound advice; they are simply click bait. Many of the headlines rely on making women think they will “never get a man,” or suggest that being Black is some kind of debilitation. This article is obvious click bait because it immediately pits Black women against Black men. The fact is, Black men approach Black women everyday. Most married Black men are married to Black women. No matter how you look at it, Black men are definitely approaching Black women…every single day. So, this headline is just false. Do SOME men (not just Black) not approach women because they are intimidated? Yes, but it’s not limited to Black men and women. This has more to do with men who are simply intimidated by confident women. It has nothing to do with the women at all.
2. They are still living in the sexist and patriarchal past.
Many of the relationship articles are still centered on Black women finding a husband. Essence, it is 2017 (soon to be 2018). Not all women want a husband. Some may even want a wife. Some may not want a husband at all. It’s time to get with the times. Women, especially Black women, are choosing their lives for themselves on their own terms.
Not only are the articles rooted in this outdated belief of “landing a husband,” they use sexism to blame women for men not approaching them. Instead of this article focusing on the real reason some men are intimidated by confident women the article places all the blame on Black women. It’s crazy to think in almost 2018 we have articles still blaming women for a man’s lack of confidence. Really??? A man who is intimidated by a woman, Black or otherwise, has nothing to do with the woman at all. It’s the man who is intimidated; it’s the man who lacks confidence; it’s the man whose self-esteem is so low he doesn’t approach a woman he may be interested in. This has nothing to do with us Black women. The men who aren’t intimidated still approach us, and those are the men who matter.
3. They are stereotyping Black women.
The article is chock full of stereotypes. Black women “Don’t Seem As ‘Fun,”‘ “Look Like We Can’t Be Bothered,” “Don’t Offer Enough Support,” “More Inhibited” Sexually,”‘ “We Want What We Want,” “Our Friendliness Is Often Misunderstood,” “We Put The ‘Pressure’ On.”‘ Seriously, we Black women are tired of the stereotype that we are “difficult.” It’s not true. Black women are no more or less demanding than any other race of women. We are simply women. (We face way more discrimination. Yet, we still manage to carry on and do great things).
4. The articles are divisive to our community.
Do we really need another article pitting Black women against Black men? As if we don’t have enough things to overcome right now…we have a white supremacist president, cops killing Black people at an alarming rate, a justice system that is against us, sexual misconduct revelations at an all time high… is this really the time to have Black men and women fight amongst ourselves??? If anything, Essence should be writing relationship articles for Black folks that can help address these issues, especially now. We need to support one another.
5. They are recycling old posts.
This article is originally from 2015. Clearly Essence felt it was a good idea to resurrect this old article rather than coming up with something fresh for their readers. Honestly, there had to have been something better to resurrect. If there wasn’t, maybe it’s time to start reaching out to the new voices in the dating/relationship space…
…Hey Essence, next time call me!
~Kai
Follow me: @KaiNicole on Twitter, @KaiFlyMommy on Instagram. And buy the best dating book for women Date Like A Woman!
